The Beginning:
Technically, this is the beginning. However, in my head and in my reality, it's not really the beginning. Day one was probably 3 or 4 years ago when my feet and calves went numb for the first time. So, to call this the beginning seems somewhat silly to me. This shadow, this grey cloud of a problem has been following me, haunting me, mercilessly taunting me for a long time. It's always been there. Constant fatigue. Numbness and tingling in my feet, legs and hands. Sensations of heat and cold on my skin. Shooting pain, prickly pain, constant stiffness and aching pain. Imbalanced gait and weakness. Dropping things that I thought I had a good hold of. Forgetfulness. That foggy, inability to find that word that is just on the tip of my tongue, it's so frustrating! But, now it's different- as of Thursday, October 16, 2014. That's the beginning. What made that day the beginning? It was the first day that I heard a doctor say, "Well, your clinical diagnosis is.... Multiple Sclerosis." Finally! I feel...Well, I feel validated! Weird, right? But not really.
Should I be surprised? Should I be confused or devastated? Should this be "life as we know it" altering news? No. Not really. Not for me. I've known there was something wrong with me for a long, long time. My first episode of symptoms, about 3 years ago, took me to see a neurologist, only to have him confused by the results of my EMG and nerve conduction study. He didn't think it was necessary to order any other tests. He told me that he would send the results of my test to my primary doctor and that she will contact me. She never did. The symptoms went away a few months later, except for a hand that has constantly felt a little numb for years. I went on with my life of being a busy mom, with baby number four soon to follow. I knew that there was still something wrong. I just didn't have the time to think about it.
Fast forward a few years. This brings me to around September or October of 2013. I wake up one morning and head straight to the shower. When I step into the shower I feel like I have electrocuted my foot! What the what!!! My feet were ultra, super sensitive to the cold floor of the shower. By the end of the week both feet, legs and parts of my back were numb and tingly. My back started to feel sensitive to heat or cold, or anything touching it at all. I knew it was time to see my doctor again. She sent me to a new neurologist. I had 3 separate MRIs. The MRIs showed two areas of demyelenation on my brain, or "lesions". Hmmmm. That sounds a lot like MS. But the neurologist told me that they were "not in the area that we find MS". They were probably from my migraines. Ummm...What??? Then what is this? What is going on with me? He's telling me it's not MS, but I just knew it was MS. By this time, I had begun researching my symptoms. It's hard to explain how I knew, but I could feel it in my heart. You know that small voice inside? I attribute it to the Holy Spirit. For me, it's that voice, or rather that assurance of just knowing something without a doubt, that harbours itself in the core of my soul. I knew the Lord was preparing me.
More tests ensued to rule out other things - the whole gamut. They all turned out negative. I knew they would- results all negative, but symptoms were worsening! Months went by and then, BOOM! It was like being hit by a train. My previous symptoms had already decreased in intensity, they were almost gone. Then, what felt like overnight, new, more intense ones appeared. I was experiencing the onset of another round of the worst symptoms, to date, that I had ever experienced. Extreme fatigue. Severe numbness and heaviness in my legs, hands, arms, chest, back, neck, and the right side of my head. Pain and tingling in my extremities. Complete and utter exhaustion and fatigue. Weakness and imbalance. I felt like my extremities were made of jello! Needless to say, I decided to get a second, or make that a third opinion. By this time, It had been almost a year since my last set of tests and MRIs. Time for more MRIs, a spinal tap, and my third EMG and Nerve Conduction Study. Irritating, to say the least. Plus, our health spending account was depleted so now we have the joy of dipping into our rainy day fund to pay for 20 percent of all of these tests. Wonderful. (Can you hear my sarcasm? I'm good at it.) By this time, I had done a ton of research on MS. My sister had too. We kept in close contact about my symptoms- documenting and researching. She loves researching. And, since her career is in the medical field, it was like I had my own personal Wikipedia at my disposal. Thanks, Holly
The tests came back. I now had more lesions and areas of hypersensitivity in in my brain and in my cervical and thoracic spinal cord. I googled all the big words and read up some more. My sister too. It was what I had known all along. That small voice within my heart was right. So to hear those words from my doctor was actually somewhat relieving. Now there's a name for all of this! I'm not crazy or exaggerating! This is finally validation of everything I've been through. This is real!
Wait. This is real. I have to admit, this information is a little bit heavy. It's the beginning of a new lifestyle. The beginning of a new way of thinking about my health. I'll have to start listening more closely to my body. I'll have to begin to not ignore these symptoms anymore in order to take better care of myslef. There will be new medications and new doctors. But like any challenge, I can't look back in order to move forward. I can't feel bad for myself, or cry over what could have been. This is the path that the Lord has put in front of me. I don't know why He chose me for this challenge. But, I'll walk this path with faith, dignity and perseverance. I would be lying if I said I'm not scared. I am terrified. Thank goodness I have my friends, my family, my husband, my children, and my Savior, Jesus Christ. They will be my support and my anchors. The Lord will be my rock and my refuge, my ever present help in time of trouble. So, if you are wondering how I am doing, don't worry, I really do feel like I will be Ok. Whatever it is that I have to cross along this path, I know I'll be OK. There's no giving up. There's no looking back. I have to move one numb step at a time. I will continue homeschooling my kids, crafting and chalk painting furniture- my new obsession. I enjoy a good book and a nonfat white mocha. I will continue to be me and do all the things I enjoy. I may have to take more naps, and get more sleep at night. I'll have to slow down so that I don't fall when I'm listing to one side, and sit down more often to take breaks when I'm sore or fatigued. But despite these modifications, I will continue to enjoy my life and have hope and excitement for my future.
